Heartbreak, Trust and Growth

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I saw this today on my Facebook feed and its timing is impeccable. Just yesterday, and many before, I have been accused of not opening up fully. Not really truly opening up and letting myself be vulnerable, weak, alive. Taking that risk of getting hurt and ultimately trusting the person on the receiving end. And sure, when one puts it like that, who the hell would want to do that?

As I go through this journey of figuring out who I am, I think I’ve hit a standstill. I do fight truly opening up, but at the same time, I honestly feel like I am open. Maybe I just don’t really know how to do it? Could be that, but I think my fear is trust. I have been hurt a lot by those that should not have. Not saying anyone should hurt you, but those that were supposed to be your guides, rocks, partners & family. When those foundations break your trust and your heart, it takes a lot to come back from that.

What I didn’t know was just how much I had been damaged. I’m finding this out along my journey and it’s hard. It’s hard, ugly and depressing, which is to be expected. But there are some bright points. I’m avoiding one specific issue I truly need to confront but the reality of the resolution, either way, is so beyond my frame of mind right now, I just can’t. I cannot wrap my brain around it.

I filled my time with projects and obligations to avoid certain things and people and to fill something that was missing in my life, which was one thing I realized when I took the time to think about it once things had broken down. I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing to fill this hole. Once that became known, a weight was lifted. I’m now working on ridding myself of some of those burdens as I’m stretched far too thin. But again, it was avoidance. Something I’ve been told I’m a master at, along with deflection.

I don’t like conflict. I don’t go seeking it, but it seems to find me. I don’t know why. Maybe my personality just creates it. Maybe I create drama, which I also hate. I don’t do it on purpose, or better yet, consciously. Do I like being faced with my issues, no. Who does? Who wants to learn they are damaged, maybe so much so, that they don’t know when they are hurting others with their words or lack of words? My god, that’s the last thing I want to do to someone, but it happens.

Opening up is really, really hard for me. Truly trusting is a challenge and very few, I can honestly count on one hand, the number of people who have my trust. And maybe only one of those, will I truly open up to and even then it’s a struggle and I think I fail them everyday. I have these walls that I can’t seem to break through and I hate them. I feel a severe desire to keep myself safe, that only I can do it. I need to realize that people care and not all are out to eventually hurt me. I need to get these walls down.

Or they will destroy what good I have in my life.

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