I said goodbye to a friend today.
Not because I wanted to, because I had to.
What is the point of opening up to someone? I mean seriously, why do it? All that happens is hurt. They have the tools, given freely by yourself, and as much as they swear they won’t, they do. And no, I’m not innocent either, I don’t set out for it, but it happens. I admit that.
I was often told through names called and things said that I’d never be good enough, smart enough, quick enough for them. I was always lacking in something, I’d never “get it.” Made to feel like such a failure and then that feeling is blamed on me because I’m projecting from past experiences. I’m far from perfect, but if someone makes me feel small or insignificant, why is that my fault? Why do I have to take all the blame? Did they not make the statement? If I say I was hurt, who are you to say I wasn’t? But, if I make them feel that way, by reacting a certain way, snapping, using sarcasm (a crutch I’ve admitted to) I’m a child, undeserving of respect and I only think of myself. My hurt is me being dramatic and projecting.
I was unable to validate enough. It was insatiable. I’m as insecure as they get and sadly, recently learned about validation. I just didn’t grasp it fast enough or give it enough in their eyes. Some of that is truly my fault, I understand that and even said as much, but it was all or nothing here.
I was unable to communicate in a clear and concise way. It was unstructured and confusing. I made no points when I spoke. I made it 40 years and while my communication skills do need work, I get that, I wasn’t speaking a foreign language. Words and thoughts get jumbled up in my head and I have to just slow down, but I get there. I freely admitted that and again, no adjustment on their end, why should they, was the question posed to me. They didn’t have the problem, I did. They had no issue communicating so why couldn’t I figure it out?
There was frustration on both sides, and only peace when I took full responsibility for everything.
Something was a bit off.
I said goodbye.