I said goodbye today.

I said goodbye to a friend today.

Not because I wanted to, because I had to.

What is the point of opening up to someone? I mean seriously, why do it? All that happens is hurt. They have the tools, given freely by yourself, and as much as they swear they won’t, they do. And no, I’m not innocent either, I don’t set out for it, but it happens. I admit that.

I was often told through names called and things said that I’d never be good enough, smart enough, quick enough for them. I was always lacking in something, I’d never “get it.” Made to feel like such a failure and then that feeling is blamed on me because I’m projecting from past experiences. I’m far from perfect, but if someone makes me feel small or insignificant, why is that my fault? Why do I have to take all the blame? Did they not make the statement? If I say I was hurt, who are you to say I wasn’t? But, if I make them feel that way, by reacting a certain way, snapping, using sarcasm (a crutch I’ve admitted to) I’m a child, undeserving of respect and I only think of myself. My hurt is me being dramatic and projecting.

I was unable to validate enough. It was insatiable. I’m as insecure as they get and sadly, recently learned about validation. I just didn’t grasp it fast enough or give it enough in their eyes. Some of that is truly my fault, I understand that and even said as much, but it was all or nothing here.

I was unable to communicate in a clear and concise way. It was unstructured and confusing. I made no points when I spoke. I made it 40 years and while my communication skills do need work, I get that, I wasn’t speaking a foreign language. Words and thoughts get jumbled up in my head and I have to just slow down, but I get there. I freely admitted that and again, no adjustment on their end, why should they, was the question posed to me. They didn’t have the problem, I did. They had no issue communicating so why couldn’t I figure it out?

There was frustration on both sides, and only peace when I took full responsibility for everything.

Something was a bit off.

I said goodbye.

Reflection is changing

 

“I used to recognize myself. It’s funny how reflections change.” – James Bay

I like his song, Let it Go, but never really, truly, listened to the lyrics. Today I listened and this just stood out.

I’ve changed a lot in the last year. Not fast enough for some and maybe too fast for others, but I’m changing regardless. How can I not? What a year it’s been. It’s not been fun, I won’t lie. It hasn’t all been bad either. I’ve fought tooth and nail to get myself to where I’m currently at, despite the fact that I seem to still resemble a total mess of a person. The thing is, I’ve been called a lot of things this past year, hurtful things that have done damage and some that have made me pause and think. The pause and think things have caused a shift.

My kids are changing as well. It’s been a tough year for them too. My oldest is more drawn to me. I’m not used to it. That’s not saying I don’t like it, but she’s never been the cuddling type, not with me. I know I am not the easiest to cuddle either, we are both a bit restless, can’t just relax. So it’s nice, but I have to adjust and of course I am. If I didn’t that would officially take away my decent person/mother card. And I take what I can get these days.

“It’s funny how reflections change”

I’m becoming a little softer. Easier to approach. I’m trying to be easier on them and I know that is helping. We are all responding to the shifts in the positive. Even with my ex, things are easier and it’s proving to be beneficial for all.

I don’t truly recognize my reflection in the mirror anymore, or maybe I never really did and I’m finally coming into my own. Who knows. All I do know is that my 40th year has been one hell of a journey so far.

 

Love and the struggle to accept it

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

I’ve been told I don’t know how to accept love. I now believe that to be true. How depressing. How can someone not accept love? Not accept nurturing? Not see the negative and instead see the positive? How damaged does one have to be to have this be the case and more importantly, can it be repaired? I hope so.

It’s not that I don’t want to accept it, I just think I am terrified to let someone else in. My heart is pretty beat up. When I think I have my walls down, one more tries to pop up and I am not even aware until it’s too late.

Frustrating.

My head is trying to protect me for some reason. Maybe it’s jealous. Yes, that has to be it. It sees that I have supportive and loving friends, and its own insecurities can’t take it, so instead it builds up a new wall, has me overreact and we all know how overreaction usually ends. Not well.

I want and intend to accept this gift of love and support with grace because it’s not given lightly, but it does terrify me.

But a little fear and acceptance is good for the soul. Or so I’ve heard. I guess I just have to accept it.

Friendship

Friend•ship

\ˈfren(d)-ˌship\
noun
noun: friendship
    1. :  the state of being friendsthey have a long-standing friendship

    2. 2:  the quality or state of being friendly:friendlinessthe friendship shown him by his coworkers

    3. 3obsolete:aid

That’s the dictionary definition of friendship. It is interesting that it is a noun though. Friendship takes work, energy, time and desire. It relies on both parties to participate, otherwise it will just fizzle out and die.
Granted, we all have friends that we only talk to once in a while and it’s like no time has passed and that groove is just there and then there are those that you talk to often, share trust, pain, worries and joy, only to find out it’s really only one-sided.
It can be a bit of a game changer.
Question is, do you give up and let the friendship fizzle out, or fight for it?

Heartbreak, Trust and Growth

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I saw this today on my Facebook feed and its timing is impeccable. Just yesterday, and many before, I have been accused of not opening up fully. Not really truly opening up and letting myself be vulnerable, weak, alive. Taking that risk of getting hurt and ultimately trusting the person on the receiving end. And sure, when one puts it like that, who the hell would want to do that?

As I go through this journey of figuring out who I am, I think I’ve hit a standstill. I do fight truly opening up, but at the same time, I honestly feel like I am open. Maybe I just don’t really know how to do it? Could be that, but I think my fear is trust. I have been hurt a lot by those that should not have. Not saying anyone should hurt you, but those that were supposed to be your guides, rocks, partners & family. When those foundations break your trust and your heart, it takes a lot to come back from that.

What I didn’t know was just how much I had been damaged. I’m finding this out along my journey and it’s hard. It’s hard, ugly and depressing, which is to be expected. But there are some bright points. I’m avoiding one specific issue I truly need to confront but the reality of the resolution, either way, is so beyond my frame of mind right now, I just can’t. I cannot wrap my brain around it.

I filled my time with projects and obligations to avoid certain things and people and to fill something that was missing in my life, which was one thing I realized when I took the time to think about it once things had broken down. I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing to fill this hole. Once that became known, a weight was lifted. I’m now working on ridding myself of some of those burdens as I’m stretched far too thin. But again, it was avoidance. Something I’ve been told I’m a master at, along with deflection.

I don’t like conflict. I don’t go seeking it, but it seems to find me. I don’t know why. Maybe my personality just creates it. Maybe I create drama, which I also hate. I don’t do it on purpose, or better yet, consciously. Do I like being faced with my issues, no. Who does? Who wants to learn they are damaged, maybe so much so, that they don’t know when they are hurting others with their words or lack of words? My god, that’s the last thing I want to do to someone, but it happens.

Opening up is really, really hard for me. Truly trusting is a challenge and very few, I can honestly count on one hand, the number of people who have my trust. And maybe only one of those, will I truly open up to and even then it’s a struggle and I think I fail them everyday. I have these walls that I can’t seem to break through and I hate them. I feel a severe desire to keep myself safe, that only I can do it. I need to realize that people care and not all are out to eventually hurt me. I need to get these walls down.

Or they will destroy what good I have in my life.

It’s just no brainer

via Daily Prompt: Automatic

An assault on women’s rights, defend.  An assault on LGBT rights, defend. An assault on an entire race of people, defend. An assault in general to our basic human rights and integrity, defend.

If defending the rights of others to live a safe, prosperous life with the same exact rights as you and freedom to worship, or not worship, as they like, isn’t automatic to you, then you might need to rethink your priorities because we are all in this together, whether you like it or not.

The last week and a half have done nothing but boost my desire to defend those that need it. To defend this country, it’s values and it’s foundation. It’s honestly, to me at least, a pretty automatic reaction, no questions asked.

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Can you validate this life please?

I’m a fun person, at least I like to think so. I love to laugh and joke and drink wine. What I am not, as I’ve been told, a great communicator. Sure, I can get my thoughts out, rambling along most times, but what I wasn’t doing was making the other person in the conversation feel as though their thoughts mattered. And to be honest, I’m horrified to realize that I am 40 and it has only now been pointed out to me.

What’s even more distressing is that I didn’t even realize I was invalidating others. It was so ingrained in me I was doing it subconsciously. I could not figure out what the hell was going on when my friend would get so pissed at me and we’d go back and forth for hours and I just could not figure out what I was doing wrong. They kept saying I was invalidating them and it was hurtful and dismissive. Finally, after a particularly bad back and forth, I decided to look up this validation stuff. Crap. I’m a loser.

I read through the documents I found on the topic and it was me, word for word. I didn’t know what to do, what to say except for that I am sorry. But the biggest thing I learned reading those journals is that I had been invalidated my entire life by those that I needed it from most. I just never realized it. It was normal life. Imagine learning that. It knocked me down for a couple days while I processed it. Something so simple and it explained so much.

It described what was completely missing from my personality. But damn if it didn’t also explain what made up my personality and a huge part of that is my defensive nature. Always feeling attacked or unworthy. That alone is a blog in itself, but this realization did break down a bit of my wall.

Was this easy? Hell no, I came to this realization kicking and screaming and to my friend’s credit they stood by me the entire time. I’m a bit stubborn, took me a bit. Once I figured it out, I apologized profusely and began to change how I responded. My defenses went down a bit, which brought theirs down and holy hell, we could communicate and not get as frustrated with each other.

Do I slip up still? Yes, of course I do. It’s not an overnight thing but I feel I have come a good distance. I still have far to go, and I am still a bit defensive, but 40 years of feeling invalidated will do that to a person and I only ask for more patience and understanding. I will get to where I need to be sooner than later.

But in the meantime, I’m forever grateful to my friend. Thank you.

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